If anyone out there is going through similar circumstances, I would love to hear from you, because right now I feel very alone in my boat. DH and I have become, for lack of a better phrase, nothing more than roommates. Working different shifts doesn't help, but everything ends up on my shoulders, no matter how much I ask, explain, beg, plead, or demand help, which in turn doesn’t help in the romance department.
I thought I’d give us a break. With three kids, we really have not had a “date night” in a while (if you count his high school reunion, we’ve had, um, one in the last seven or eight months). So when I got this email from a wine shop near us promoting their FREE!!! beer, wine and food tasting next Saturday from 3 to 7, I forwarded it to DH asking if he wanted to go. His response was “If you’re up to it”. My response? “Why would I not be?” His response? “Just trying to be considerate and to let you know I’m willing to expand my horizons.”
What the #@%#$?!?! If I weren’t up to it, I probably wouldn’t have bothered to send you the email in the first place! And since when have your horizons diminished so drastically that going to sample a beer and have some clam cakes is an “expanding” experience?!?!
We had a similar experience on our anniversary. He asked what I wanted (we usually don’t do anything big). I said I’d like to go out to dinner, and even listed three of my favorite restaurants. No response. No planning. No getting a babysitter. No nothing. Even when my mother called and asked him if he needed them to babysit, his response was “Um, I don’t know. We don’t have any plans.” She even went so far as to remind him that it was our anniversary. Still no takers for the free babysitting.
That afternoon, he asked what we were having for dinner. That’s when I asked him whether he’d made any plans. He commented back “Well, where do you want to go?” Once again, it’s my responsibility. And even if I make all the arrangements, it’s still a hassle to get from Point A to Point B. Doing ANYTHING together, kidless or otherwise, is a hassle. Even buying sneakers for the kids is like this.
“We need to go to ____ to get the kids sneakers sometime today.”
“What’s the best time for you?”
“Whenever works best for you.”
“Okay, we need to leave here at 3:00.”
At 3:00, he’s still sitting on the couch while I’m trying to get the baby into a jacket, get the kids to get their shoes on, and grab anything else we might need (bottles, packed diaper bag). Then he wonders why I’m already stressed. And if we go without him, the kids get upset because they want to have family time on the weekends, since they don’t get to see him much during the week. And, no, he can’t go by himself, because my DH also has a problem with shopping for bargains – he doesn’t. Even though money is tight, he won’t look through the sales ads or ask about any upcoming sales. So I’m in a Catch-22 – I have to go, and I have to have him go with us.
Ugh. Maybe it’s just the weather. Or the winter doldrums. I just hope it gets better, because this isn’t what I want my marriage to be.
Any hints on how to improve the communication level?